Home alone with me and my sick thoughts........

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Swan Song for an Era

OK, enough of this.  I've tried it but it's just not working.  There's love, and then there's the IDEA of being in love.  I was in love enough with the idea of Pendragon Hold as a place I wanted to write about to do it, and do it well, for quite some time, but times change, I have changed, and I can no longer do this concept justice, not with all the baggage I've collected and all the angst that has built up inside of me.  This series of blogs was written while I still had the ability to selectively chronicle events that lent themselves to being aired in public, while keeping those "other things we should not talk about" stuffed away in their dark, dank closets.  It never bothered me all that much when some anonymous reader felt it necessary to inform me as to how bad a writer I was, but when a family member takes issue with something I write, usually out of context, and bludgeons me over the head with it, then I have a problem.  I KNOW I am not a "writer", and never said I was, only that I love writing, and it's one of the last things I have left now that gives me any real pleasure, so if I'm going to continue doing it, I will have to do it under a more remote format.  Thus, I am putting to rest these chronicles for good, in order that from the ashes my phoenix might arise and through it's good graces save my soul from the ravages of utter despair.

But you four or five loyal readers of mine, please do no think I would find any pleasure in leaving you to fend for yourselves amongst all those fine, quality blogs that still exist; if you are willing to witness me unfettered with the real possibility that you might not like me very much afterwards, then I will be more than willing to send you the link to my new literary home when it is established.......IF it is established.

People grow, and change.  Me, it seems I simply mutate.  Or maybe I am simply willing to admit to being the creature I always was.  No one can imply you are a bad person and hope to inflict pain if you have accepted that yes, you are a bad person, or at least human, and simply no longer have the energy or desire to argue the point.  This is the price for being human.

Please send me link requests, or goodbyes, to my email or my comments, and I will most certainly do my best to keep you in my life.  And yes, those of you who still blog....I still visit.  Good blogs by good people are so hard to find these narrow days of Facebook and Twitter.

Blessed be.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Here I am in the middle of the worst depression I have experienced in decades, and I get THIS in the mail.  What, is the universe trying to tell me something?

If I wasn't such a gutless coward I'd get in on this exciting opportunity right away....

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Death Comes to Pendragon Hold

No, NO; relax.....tis the washing machine I speak of, one of the hardest working "members" of this family, who, with little complaint other than trying to shake this "mobile" home off it's foundations during it's many less-than-balanced spin cycles, performed it's dreary task of washing our clothes day after day (with nary a penny in wages) for more than ten straight years. Now THAT, my friends, is a very good example of dependability. And this was after several years of leaking oil from what must have been the transmission, which seems to be where the breakdown has occurred. At any rate, it is beyond my mere mortal ability to repair, so dearly departed machine now sits on the front porch awaiting it's journey into it's next incarnation, which may be as spare parts for other machines, or to be miraculously brought back to life by the donated organs of even less fortunate washers.

I have already taken the funds I had managed to save up to try and pay our property taxes off sooner than later and invested some of them in a new machine I found on the Home Depot website. Rather than replace it with another cheap machine with the same irritable qualities, I have gotten the cheapest front-loading model I can find, one that is much more energy efficient, using less water AND electricity to do a better job than the old conventional one did. I think I got a pretty good deal on it. It was about a hundred bucks cheaper in total than the cheapest one I could get at the local retail store, and it will be delivered just as quickly (go figure).

Dunkin, the feral kitten we adopted and saved from the pound is now a fully grown and very sturdy cat, who thinks he's a dog, and pretty much sticks around the house he was raised in even though he's been exiled from the interior due to his somewhat ballistic behaviors. He LOVES Shiloh to death and always greets him with enthusiasm, rubbing all over him much to the dog's annoyance. Shiloh tolerates him about as much as your average human big brother tolerates his younger sibling, which means with patience than can be taxed. Already, Dunkin has made a friend of a neighbor cat, an orange animal of about the same age and size, whom we have naturally referred to as "Punkin". Both these animals are healthy and well fed, due probably to them shuttling back and forth between both households and sharing their meals. I just hope they stay friends and don't get into any territorial disputes as older male cats can be known to do. Who knows what will happen when their fancies turn to that OTHER sex..........

As far as the back/leg problems I've been experiencing goes, the first B-12 shot I received has already seemed to have a positive effect, lessening my symptoms to some degree, but I am allowing for the possibility of the placebo effect, and will not make a more-than-subjective judgement concerning these treatments until I have had a few more shots and have felt undeniable benefits that point towards this vitamin deficiency as a real diagnosis. It still remains that my symptoms are relieved with a night's horizontal orientation during sleep, so I still personally suspect a disc/nerve problem, even if the imaging can't pinpoint it. It won't be the first time a diagnosis couldn't be nailed due to the limitations of x-rays and MRI's or the "experts" who interpret them. I'm STILL rooting for the vitamin cause, though.

Oh, and the person who couldn't control their vehicle and took out one of my fence posts (snapped that 4x4 wood post right off at ground level), it is apparent from the piece of your car you left at the scene that you probably suffered more for it economically than I did, so I will settle for what little smug satisfaction I can get from that. Thanks for not leaving a note of apology, you asshole!

But for now, I leave you while listening to Praire Home Companion and abiding some Firefly Mint Tea vodka and coke.  Life could be worse, couldn't it?

That's pretty much what's fit to print for now! Have a blessed day!

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Frustration Station, what's your situation........

Sorry it took so long to post but I really needed good, quality post material to rear it's ugly head before I could put fingertip to key.

Went and saw the (right at this very moment, one symptom rears it's ugly head; drawing blanks when calling forth a word)............PRIMARY (that's it!) Shaman and he reads the MRI report which admits to some "minor" bulging of one of my lower discs and some "spurs" somewhere in there, but nothing to explain my symptoms. But WAIT! There's MORE!

It suddenly occurs to him after looking back over my lab values that there might actually be a valid explanation for these peculiar symptoms, and he tells me the story of the elderly gentleman who comes to him with a similar case years ago who shows up something like 5 years later in a wheelchair due to advanced paralysis DUE, get this, to really low levels of B-12 that were never properly treated. Now, I have what you call "low normal" values, but the lab did put in a disclaimer that my 355 qualifies me for a risk of having "psychoneurologic" disorders much like I have been seeking help for, including short term memory loss, which I have been attributing to simply being 50-something AND working as a PCT.

SO, he gave me a B-12 injection and I'll be getting three more once a week, and if we see no improvement after that, THEN it's on to the neurologist to see if he can make sense of it. So, knowing full well just how bad life can get when you allow a surgeon to go mucking around in your back with a knife, I am ROOTING for the B-12 deficiency! As needle-phobic as I am, I am much more afraid of scalples and the resulting effect on my financial as well as physical well being. 20% of THAT kind of medical bill could very well put us out on the street......well, put ME on the street; The Wife does have one daughter doing well enough to take her in. After all, those real fine patriotic American conservatives and members of the "Tea Party" are doing what they can to repeal Obamma care, so pathetic unreal Americans like me who only want to "drag this country to it's knees" by getting sick and needing help can just go suck on a tail pipe. I'd rather do that than become a pain-ridden burden on my wife or family anyway.

I know this post resembles some of my old pessimistic material, but it seems that depression is another symptom that this syndrome provides for, amongst other things I have been having to deal with lately. So please, forgive my tone for now and wait it out with me while we see if these shots have a positive effect or not. After all, this post is nowhere near as dark and gloomy as it's capable of being, if you know me at all......

Until I find the motivation to come back with another post (and I'm sure I will, I'm so damn ornery)....blessed be you all.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

There goes my MRI virginity........

So a Jew and a coward walk into a bar.....the Jew says, "Oy Vay, I got such back pain!" To which the coward remarks, "Thank God I got no back bone!"


OK, fine, I'm no comedian, but today I did have an my very first MRI in my ever-ending quest to discover the cause of these weird and uncomfortable symptoms I've been experiencing lately.  They amount to a deep-seated ache in the backs of both my thighs with a corresponding sensation of my toes feeling like I just walked home in thirty-below in ordinary shoes.  Now, I paint that picture because I used to do just that; walk home from school in extremely cold winters in Fairbanks Alaska when I was in high school.  The toes are the first to experience frostbite if you don't get them warmed back up real quick.  These symptoms begin appearing sometime in the afternoon whether I've been working or not; just the fact I've been more or less vertical all day seems to be the trigger; thus we (my doctor and I) think I might have some nerve issues.  The MRI was required after the x-rays showed I had no obvious defects due to age or injury in my lumbar spine.  I can only hope something shows up to explain these symptoms because folks, this is getting OLD!  I have not had any really bad back injuries (that I am aware of) of late that would explain this latest problem, but I'm not surprised that SOMEthing is showing up after 15 years of pulling heavy patients up in bed.  The wear and tear this kind of physical job puts on the body is bound to show up sooner or later.

It was indeed an interesting test, a term the technician told me I was opining with much charity.  I didn't get any music to listen to on headphones; just a couple of foam earplugs, so I suppose my $75 copay only afforded me the economy MRI.  They told me the test would last about 20 minutes; I can only take their word for it, but I can say that I have never before heard such a wild combination of foghorns, bangs, thumps, and other strange combinations of noises before in one continuous symphony of annoying sounds.  Good thing I'm not claustrophobic, either, because the ceiling of that tube was AWFUL close to my face!  Whatever; I was very happy for the experience to be over when it finally was.

I want to thank Jules for her VALIANT efforts in responding to the challenge of my last post by commenting TWICE to that one post!  So far she is the only reader PERIOD who even commented on it so I guess you can pretty much kiss the whole idea good-bye.  I do want to tell you, though, Jules, my good dear lady friend, that you HAVE sustained what desire I HAVE had I had in writing about anything at all, and for that I am most profuse in my appreciation for you as a friend.  I am SO blessed for having had the one opportunity so far to have met you and Blan at least once and I hope one day to see you both again.  You both are blessed of the Gods even though I suppose you don't have much reason to believe in 99% of them.  As long as there is at least ONE of them looking out for you, I'm happy.

One other reason besides the respite from Southern heat that I love Winter so much for is the work I get to avoid for now that awaits me here on this acre of sand, which is buried in leaves and fallen branches which sooner or later THE Wife is going to want to rake up and dispose of in some fashion.  Me, I'd be happy as a clam avoiding a beach party to just let all those leaves fall where they may, as they WOULD if humans weren't around to interfere with the natural order of things and go raking them up simply in the name of neatness and this human obsession with order.  We don't have a lawn by any definition and this layer of leaves is actually good for the soil, but you know how it is.......Wives just can't leaf well enough alone! (hehe...I crack me up sometimes).

Anyway, I probably could come up with a million more things to prattle on about, but since I don't have a sizable audience to entertain, the pressure is pretty much off of me to produce verbiage and the bevy of nouns required by great and attractive writing skills.  But, dear rabidly loyal readers, stay tuned, for I am sure I will have something to report here eventually concerning either my spine or my spin on life here on this leaf-coated acre of sand somewhere on the outskirts of sanity.

Blessed be!

Monday, January 24, 2011

The Price

Hello, and welcome to the Monday night edition of "An Acre of Sand", the one blog in this universe which will never approach the number of fans that Monday Night Football has enjoyed over the years.  Not that this fact bothers me to any great degree, but it seems that a VERY few of my most loyal readers are so addicted to the RANTS that characterized the many blogs I published in the past that they have expressed the desire to see me continue said rants in some forum or another, perhaps continuing these expressions of ire back on the hallowed pages of "Full Moon Over Pendragon Hold", where I last published such emotional pablum.

Yes, I must admit, I DID get a certain rush pontificating upon the voodoo that we (as a species) do so well these days despite the thousands of years of supposed evolution afforded us by a benign and patient Gaia, but the rush also had the side affects you come to expect from caring about all this stuff enough to put it to pen to begin with.  Like having a wife who looks at you sideways and wishes you would just calm down and not worry so much about things you cannot change (an attitude which in and of itself has also been a topic I can be very rabid about, to no good end),  or the reputation one earns that is not as charitable as one would like.

So, good readers, the ones who have had the good grace to leave literary traces of having been here and endured these emotions (that drug-like feedback I call "comments"); what would you be willing to give in return for THE Michael to return to the scene of his crimes and continue to sin so joyfully as a human being who has had such a lack of patience with his brothers?  Would you go forth and find ten......five.......even TWO more adherents to this philosophy that takes no prisoners? (They gave Sadam and Gomorra the same head-start, to no avail)  Would you think it profitable to suggest to anyone else you know as a friend or acquaintance that a dose of THE Michael is good for the soul; immortal, saved, damned, or even perhaps even non-existent?  OK, fine, then you have your challenge; the gauntlet has been thrown, and you are invited to learn what it means to be an apostle.  Yes, I know full well how blasphemous this might sound to the ill-informed, but I never claimed to be an easy experience.

If you have enough energy to dare cry HAVOC, and let slip the dogs of blog (which equates easily enough to having to put up with MY insignificant drivel concerning a world gone mad) then I dare say you have enough energy to fill the comment section of this post with enough newcomers to this forum that I think it worth the time, effort, blood, sweat, and yes, my dear fellows and ladies, tears, that expressing my innermost thought-demons to the perils of pen-upon-page has always demanded.  Go forth and recruit, and I will reward your evangelical zeal with an equal orgasm of flat-out truth as only THE Michael can reveal.

Or not.

It's in YOUR hands now.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Crawfish on a Weekend Off

It's Sunday night, and yours truly is making his cousin Julie's crawfish Etouffee' recipe. The Local Daughter and hers truly will be having dinner with us.  Tomorrow it's back into the fray in the Critical Care Unit, whilst I am still feeling in need of "critical care" myself, if only due to the aches and pains of steadily advancing age.  One rather funny thing I've discovered within the mess that is my wounded finger is the "mysterious vanishing stitches"  which the P.A. put into the nail bed of my split finger but seemed to have already been absorbed by the wound by the time the Finger Doctor examined it.  Now that the wound has healed somewhat and dried out, the so-called "absorbent stitches" are readily visible, and anything BUT absorbed.  I have one more appointment with the finger doctor who will probably want to pull them out, now that he can see them.  These are a bit thicker than the one he already pulled out, so I am not a big fan of that idea.

OK, it's after dinner now and the Etouffee' was enjoyed with much gusto.  The Wife and "kids" are watching "Practical Magic" (starring Sandra Bullock and Nicole Kidman), her, for like the umpteenth millionth time since we bought the disk.  I think maybe she likes this movie.  It's one of those tales that is wonderfully escapist for a Wiccan, as it's low on the bullshit quotient (except for the "real" magic and nasty dead guys) and full of romance.

The Wife and I drove a bit of a distance to visit the nearest Barnes and Noble bookstore, a cheap "vacation" for us these days, where we treated ourselves to Starbucks and a few books on sale.  I was amazed to stumble across another medieval murder mystery by the author of "The Mistress of the Art of Death", which I am currently enjoying.  It was also on sale for less than $7 which can only mean it was sitting there waiting for ME to come and get it.  It's called "The Serpent's Tale", in case you want to check these good reads out.

So far I have resisted the impulse to rant and/or rave about some injustice or act of utter stupidity being committed by mankind, and although at least one of my loyal followers has expressed disappointment in this, I'm willing to bet in the greater scheme of things, it hasn't been missed much at all.  But thank you anyway; the very idea that someone appreciated my efforts is, at the very least, equally appreciated.

Thus ends another lost weekend here at Pendragon Hold.  May you, my valued readers, find the simple joys within your own Hold, and like us, milk them for all they're worth.